If I could go back in time, I would give the wide world just to change your mind, to open up your eyes...

Things have changed pretty dramatically since Wednesday, which is when I found out that I will not continue living in my little academic bubble until May, but rather, I will be tossed out in December.  This is obviously good news in many respects, since I don't have to do any labwork to finish, and that was my ultimate fantasy in terms of my vision of how I would finish out my degree.  My committee just wants me to write something up about the background of my project and where it needs to go from here; basically, a primer for whoever takes over after me.  Totally doable...and apparently, totally doable by December.  So I went through a range of emotions in the 2 hours after this meeting took place, and eventually settled on the idea of subletting my room and moving out to Denver early.  It just seems like the best plan, even if it means living with my mom and Pam for a few months, not having my own room or really any of the privacy I'm used to.  Luckily it will only be for a few months until their lease is up and Pam and I can get our own place.  That way, I won't have the stress of having to pay rent somewhere when I don't even have a job.  

So it's terrifying...moving in January, living in a new place, looking for a job.  I don't even know how to look for one.  I don't even know what I want to do.  Obviously I'm still interested in teaching, but I'm not going to limit myself to that, I really don't want to commit to any one career path when I'm not even sure what I will like.  So yeah.  It will be a huge change, and I think the momentum with which all of this has occurred is a little intense.  I mean, four months ago I was in a completely different place, and now I'm graduating in December and I'll be DONE with school.  Sometimes, I can't believe I made such a bold choice.  I never thought I had it in me.  But thinking about it now, it all makes perfect sense.  

My dad has invited Pam and I for Thanksgiving, or even a November visit.  My heart stopped a little at the possibility of being in Albuquerque and being able to see Biochem Guy.  At this point, I don't really know why.  I mean, how can you be like that over someone you've never even kissed?  I wonder if deep down, I just need to see him so I can realize that it's over, and we are no longer the friends we once were.  I've had him on this pedestal for 2.5 years now, comparing other guys to him and thinking "if it had JUST worked OUT...."  but neither of us are the same now, and maybe I need to see him so that will get drilled into my head.  There are different kinds of guys in your life...the ones you will always have a physical connection with, but who you can't be friends or more with (and we all know who THAT is for me), and the ones you will always have a mental connection with, but you know it will never be physical.  I haven't gotten that through my thick head when it comes to Biochem Guy, and I really need to.  So we'll see if a trip to the big NM works out, but I really hope it does.

Okay, if I want to get out of here in a few months, I better get my ass back to writing!

It's the sticks and stones that wear us down that often save our lives...

I am well into September now, and things have been getting a little more stressful. I have a committee meeting tomorrow, which will basically determine what I have to do in order to finish a Masters degree to the satisfaction of the department. I'm pretty nervous about it, and whatever option we negotiate that results in me doing the least amount of lab work is going to be the one I root for. There is a rumor that based on the project my boss and I have figured out, I could be done with bench science as early as December...which quite frankly, couldn't make me happier. I can't wait to be done with the tedious monotony that is bench science in grad school. Once I know what my timeline for finishing is, at least I can move on and start really focusing on my career options.

Along those lines, I started volunteering at the high school last week. I really liked it, and it has made me really sit down and research the teaching option in Denver. It seems doable, and having my Masters degree will really help my salary schedule. The only barrier is that the qualifications for alternative licensing programs are geared toward basic science, and I have been very specialized in my studies. They actually expect someone who wants to be a Biology teacher to have taken Geology or Meteorology in college? I mean, really. I'm hoping my Ecology credits will somehow count toward this "earth/environmental science" requirement, or else I'll be taking online courses next semester. Ugh. Then I have to study for the PRAXIS exam, which is a subject test all teachers have to take in their area, so I am already looking at study guides, etc. My worst case scenario is that I won't be able to find any jobs I'm into, teaching or something related, and then I'll try to get a job as a lab tech or something until I can get something I really want. I DO NOT want that though, so keep your fingers crossed that I can slip into one of these alternative licensure programs in Colorado.

My mom and Pam have been here in the past month, which has been great. Seeing them has made me remember why I am moving to Denver in the first place. I just can't wait to start over. As much as I am thrilled to be almost done with school and ready to move, I am also terrified. I've been in this bubble of school since I was three, and now I'm being pushed out into the real world, with no guaranteed job or benefits. Measly salary aside, this world has pampered me...I mean, I don't even know how to write a resume. So it's scary to the point of panic attacks, but I am trying to deal. I have a lot of time to prepare, I guess.

I'll save my next entry for my commentary on this election...I feel as though that merits its own entry at this point. But I just wanted to update my life, or the semblance of my old life that things have become. Now back to freaking out about tomorrow...this has been a pleasant distraction.