Sudden Death in Carolina

It's quite sad how in my life, a Facebook message from a former crush (well, I think "crush" is a bad word to describe this person, but it's the only thing I can really think of) can leave me smiling for an entire day. In this case, I think it was more about the fact that I was proven, once again, that he is probably the only male in my life who hasn't turned out to be a flaky asshole. This, of course, does nothing to alleviate the dormant feelings that come screaming back every time I hear from him, because he is always still the same guy who made me happier than any guy ever has in my whole life to this point. Still down-to-earth, still funny, still sweet and complimentary without even trying. :( As much as I love hearing from him because I miss him as my friend, it kills me every time to know that I never got to have him as my boyfriend...in that admittedly lame, hand-holding, old-fashioned kind of way. I think I will probably always feel that way about him, my classic "What If?" person. Also, because I used to tell Natalie for years that I was going to meet the man of my dreams over a Bunson Burner, and I met him in an Organic Chem lab, so it makes me wonder even more if he could have been that great man in my life. But all of these statements are just maudlin musings put out there by a single, somewhat lonely 24-year old girl who hasn't really had anyone make her happy since he came along. For all I know, I could see him again and it would be horribly awkward and I would wonder why I ever felt so strongly about him.

I wonder if everyone has that person that they just don't ever really move on from. Even if you don't think about them all of the time, and they don't necessarily prevent you from dating other people, you know that if they were to walk into your house and tell you they wanted to be with you, you would drop everything and tell them "ABSOLUTELY." I just need to find another guy who will call me "exceptionally brilliant" and be able to pick up on every single movie/TV reference I drop in casual conversation, and then maybe I'll get over it. Anyone know a guy like that?

This is why I need a fresh start somewhere else. Letting go of a lot of things I have held onto for the past few years is going to be really important.

Well, time to get back to my awesome Saturday night of sitting around in my pajamas, nursing my extremely sore quads (which have a mysterious origin) and trying to motivate myself to watch "Hotel Rwanda" so I can move along my Netflix queue.

She seeks to find the answers for the reason her life did not turn out more like a movie...

It is already almost the middle of August, and I feel like it was only a few weeks ago that I was thrilled about the beginning of summer. I am lamenting its lazy exit, because I know that with fall comes earlier sunsets, sweaters, and ridiculous amounts of lab work to get my thesis done by spring. I never feel like I have "real" deadlines during the summer, and that my only job is to listen to Fresh Prince's "Summertime" in my car at least 100 times a week. Plus, it is also sad because this is my last summer in Chapel Hill. As of early June next year I'll be headed back out west to Colorado, so I feel an extra level of sadness to see the summer drawing to a close. I mean, I won't be able to go to the beach as easily, I won't be getting excited at the thought of all of the undergrads being gone from Franklin Street, and (happily) I won't be bitching about the intolerable humidity. But I know I am making a good choice. As much as I hate to admit it, I belong out west for awhile. I think I tried to draw back out my acerbic East Coast side, but I'm still the girl who two-stepped at the country bars sometimes on a Friday night. Maybe someday I'll end up back out this way, but who knows. I am way too restless in my youth to settle in one place for very long.

Things have been pretty busy lately; my mom was here last week, which was nice. I needed some family around me for awhile. I've also been pushing myself to get a lot done in work too, but finishing up seems like years away at this point...and isn't that what I was trying to avoid? I'm also supposed to volunteer in the classroom of a high school bio teacher to see how I feel about teaching. I've been told I'm the sort of rare breed who could deal with teenagers...and I kind of like the idea of molding young minds and making them love science as much as I do. Plus, teaching would be a good way to get experience in other things during the summer. We'll see. I don't think I have ever been so lost in my life, and I actually like it. I always wanted to have that freedom to have NO idea what my next job would be, and it's so liberating to finally experience it. I probably won't be saying the same thing in 7 months, but whatever. I'll enjoy it now.

After having been on vacation last week, I am thinking of the beach and staring with dead eyes at my computer, thinking about how I SHOULD be reading papers for my thesis. I can't summon the energy to function normally, however. We all need a day to get back on track, right?