If I could go back in time, I would give the wide world just to change your mind, to open up your eyes...

Things have changed pretty dramatically since Wednesday, which is when I found out that I will not continue living in my little academic bubble until May, but rather, I will be tossed out in December.  This is obviously good news in many respects, since I don't have to do any labwork to finish, and that was my ultimate fantasy in terms of my vision of how I would finish out my degree.  My committee just wants me to write something up about the background of my project and where it needs to go from here; basically, a primer for whoever takes over after me.  Totally doable...and apparently, totally doable by December.  So I went through a range of emotions in the 2 hours after this meeting took place, and eventually settled on the idea of subletting my room and moving out to Denver early.  It just seems like the best plan, even if it means living with my mom and Pam for a few months, not having my own room or really any of the privacy I'm used to.  Luckily it will only be for a few months until their lease is up and Pam and I can get our own place.  That way, I won't have the stress of having to pay rent somewhere when I don't even have a job.  

So it's terrifying...moving in January, living in a new place, looking for a job.  I don't even know how to look for one.  I don't even know what I want to do.  Obviously I'm still interested in teaching, but I'm not going to limit myself to that, I really don't want to commit to any one career path when I'm not even sure what I will like.  So yeah.  It will be a huge change, and I think the momentum with which all of this has occurred is a little intense.  I mean, four months ago I was in a completely different place, and now I'm graduating in December and I'll be DONE with school.  Sometimes, I can't believe I made such a bold choice.  I never thought I had it in me.  But thinking about it now, it all makes perfect sense.  

My dad has invited Pam and I for Thanksgiving, or even a November visit.  My heart stopped a little at the possibility of being in Albuquerque and being able to see Biochem Guy.  At this point, I don't really know why.  I mean, how can you be like that over someone you've never even kissed?  I wonder if deep down, I just need to see him so I can realize that it's over, and we are no longer the friends we once were.  I've had him on this pedestal for 2.5 years now, comparing other guys to him and thinking "if it had JUST worked OUT...."  but neither of us are the same now, and maybe I need to see him so that will get drilled into my head.  There are different kinds of guys in your life...the ones you will always have a physical connection with, but who you can't be friends or more with (and we all know who THAT is for me), and the ones you will always have a mental connection with, but you know it will never be physical.  I haven't gotten that through my thick head when it comes to Biochem Guy, and I really need to.  So we'll see if a trip to the big NM works out, but I really hope it does.

Okay, if I want to get out of here in a few months, I better get my ass back to writing!