Big changes have come about in my life within the past few days, and I'm still kind of trying to process everything. My decision to say "F you, PhD program" was kind of shocking to some people, but to me it has seemed like one of the most logical, clear-headed decisions I have ever made. It's also one of the scariest ones. I guess it was just hard to admit how desperately unhappy I have been for the past two years; I had always said that getting my doctorate was exactly what I wanted and so I felt like complaining and being unhappy was just a personality flaw and not a sign of a bigger, uglier problem. As much as I love Chapel Hill for its small-town feel and gorgeous seasons, I don't fit in here. I'm an unlikely combo of the Southwest and the Northeast, and the true South with its mint juleps, high-maintenance women and "future MBAs of America" pool of men is just not my scene, and I couldn't fit my square self into that round peg hole no matter how hard I tried. Plus, sitting behind a microscope quantifying cell diameters is not the way I want to spend my life, which is the most important part of this equation.
I think a Masters degree is what I need. And maybe I'll go back later and get another degree in something different, and that's exciting to think about. I'm not as trapped as I thought I was. I haven't felt so liberated in a long time. I know that as much as I don't fit in in CH I was supposed to come here for a reason; I have learned more about myself here in the past two years than I had in the 22 years prior, and I think if I hadn't discovered who I really am, I never would have figured out that this program isn't for me. So I am happy with the way things turned out. I am also happy that I have decided to roost in Denver for a few years, being around my family for awhile is essential.
I am also excited that I get to start over and decide what I really want to do. It's like being eight-years old all over again, trying to decide on what I want to be when I grow up.
Anyway, aside from all of that heavy stuff, things have been pretty busy for me. Trying to tame my hair in this 800% humidity is a job of its own as well. I am certainly not going to miss this dampness. Everyday my skin feels like it is coated in a film of moisture that never goes away. Oh, and I love the little short hairs that stick up out of my yellow puffball of hair every single day. That's pretty awesome too.
Kickball party tonight...keep your fingers crossed for me. In fact, keep every digit crossed for me. It's time to turn on the "seduction" mode, which is a little rusty since that setting hasn't been used in a long time. If I can't control my hair though, it definitely won't be used tonight!
3 comments:
keeping options and legs open as widely as possible....
-L
Wow, definitely a huge decision.. But amen to you for figuring it out! The most important part is just recognizing everything. Hopefully Denver will prove to be the change you need. I see you as being really versatile and open to change - living in PA, NM, CH and now CO.. I mean, I guess I'm saying that it's not like CO is the end all and be all of it, it's just time for a change of pace. You've been totally sucked into your education, and sometimes a break is just something you need. Who knows what's in store for you, but you have a good head on your shoulders and I'm sure you'll make the most of it. Kudos to you! :)
alright, i admit, this post is old. and, i hadn't read it yet. but, i have to say christi: WOW! good for you. i'm so incredibly inspired by your assuredness. it takes a strong person to realize what it is they want and don't want. you must feel amazing.
i'm sure you're going to great in denver. and, you do need to be near family, it IS essential.
good for you. and, you know what? a masters in science? that's pretty bad-ass if you ask me!
let's go teach!
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