With the passing of Thanksgiving, I am now allowing myself to listen to Christmas music. The month between Thanksgiving and Christmas is my favorite time of year, and one of the best aspects of this season is the multitude of songs available for my listening pleasure to get into the spirit. I've been thinking about my favorites among the hundreds to choose from, and here they are, in no particular order:
1. "All I Want for Christmas is You" Mariah Carey
I know, I know...Mariah Carey. But back in the 1990's, she was IT. And her Christmas album is surprisingly timeless. This song is just light-hearted and romantic, and with my string of unrequited loves over the years, you can imagine how many boys I tunelessly sang this to in the privacy of my room. And who can forget its prominent appearance in "Love Actually," with the little girl who has an AMAZING voice, and that priceless moment where she turns and points to the precious pubescent boy at the end of the song. I know if it had been me, circa 1997 and my 8th grade crush Chad did that, you would have seen me in a puddle of swoon and faded black jeans. So this song just makes me think of love and happiness at Christmas time, and I love belting it out in my car.
2. "Do They Know It's Christmas?" Band Aid
We could dissect this song and point out its obvious faults, like Bono asking you to thank god other people are starving and not you (actually, Bono? Umm, I don't want ANYONE to be starving...) and the fact that people in Africa, if they haven't been corrupted by Christian missionaries, wouldn't even know what Christmas is, but why destroy a song so magical, so wonderful that it feels like a symphonic orgasm? It still gives me goosebumps when it builds to that thrilling chorus. And on top of that, it features ALL of my favorite 80's musical stars, from Simon LeBon to Boy George. It doesn't get much better than that. And let's be honest, the 80's were the only decade where you felt like musicians legitmately gave a shit and did something for a cause like world hunger. None of the ripoffs that came in the 1990s and 2000s can come close to the joining of so many famous people for one song in order to help others; I always felt like the later ones had the singers phoning it in from their hot tub in the Hills. So I will always love this song for the simplicity and the selflessness, the devotion (no matter how misguided) to educating Africa about Christmas and giving.
3. "Merry Christmas Baby" Hanson
Could it get any worse than Mariah Carey? It just did. Yes, I liked Hanson in my tween days. Tease if you must. But everyone has their boy band shames. And actually, their Christmas album is pretty decent. This song still makes me jam out no matter where I am, transporting me to my tiny shared bedroom with Pam back in PA in the winter of 1997, singing along to Hanson in order to escape my depression of my fractured family life. It's fun, light, and infectious. However, I am so embarrassed by my love of this song that I have it under a completely different name on my iTunes, only to have that cover blown when I realized that the picture on the Hanson Christmas album shows up on my Zune. Whoops. Hanson will always have a special place in my heart and also in my Christmases.
4. "I'll Be Home For Christmas"
This song has developed more meaning for me as I have gotten older and moved away from home. I think of driving through North Carolina and singing this song forlornly to myself, anticipating the upcoming trip to Denver to see my family, knowing that that is more my home than Chapel Hill ever has been. This year it has held even more meaning, as at Christmastime this year, I WILL be home for Christmas and not leaving again.
5. "Silent Night"
The only religious song on my list, I love this particular gem because it reminds me of a quiet Christmas night, being lulled to sleep with the calm darkness and the excitement of presents the next day. It's so peaceful and gentle. I also think of attending Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, like the good little Catholic family we were, and seeing the church all lit up with candles; or getting up early before my family just so I could sit by myself and look at the Christmas tree lights in the semi-dawn. I just want to snuggle under my covers and watch an evening snowfall when I play this song. Oh, and another "Love Actually" reference--when this song plays in the movie, it is during a scene where my heart is shattered with a sledgehammer into a million tiny pieces. Just saying.
How I love the Christmas season! This has inspired me to go download more Christmas music. Anything to pass my time here at work (one and a half more days of lab! Woohoo!).
Monday, December 1, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Over and out
Less than a month to go before I make the big, drastic change in my life and move out to Colorado in order to "find myself" like any cliche 20-something. But all of this means leaving North Carolina behind. Although I'm not as sad about leaving here as I was about leaving New Mexico, there are definitely some things I will miss about this place. So in no particular order, here they are:
1. The presence of actual SEASONS here...the startlingly vibrant fall colors, especially against the backdrop of a cloudy, leaden-sky October day; the rich greens of spring, with shades I never even knew existed in the natural world.
2. Watching football with Matt/Kellie on Sundays, laughing about how awful the Eagles are and drinking beers.
3. Cosmic Cantina burritos
4. Sneaking off to the student lounge with Katy so we can eat lunch and talk about people we don't like without anyone bothering us
5. Mall trips/week night TV shows with Jenn
6. 50 cent beers at The Deep End, giant He's Not Here beers, dancing at East End
7. Being 2.5 hours from the beach
Wow, that was really hard to think of things, which makes me kind of sad. The easier list is definitely things I WILL NOT miss about the Research Triangle:
1. Pretentious, elitist assholes at UNC
2. Pretentious, elitist assholes at almost every bar in Chapel Hill/Durham
3. A complete lack of single men
4. A complete lack of good Mexican food
5. Humidity and my hair's reaction to it
6. The traffic on Highway 54 every single freakin' day
7. Getting stuck next to people with B.O. on the bus
8. The "biblical" rain storms that make it impossible to drive
9. Sitting through boring seminars at school
That list took about 30 seconds. Yikes. Well, no matter what I will not miss about NC, this place definitely took me to a place I needed to be in my life. I've met some great people and have acquired some truly awesome memories. And I got a degree out of it...which I may not use, but at least I got some good skills, I guess.
21 days!
1. The presence of actual SEASONS here...the startlingly vibrant fall colors, especially against the backdrop of a cloudy, leaden-sky October day; the rich greens of spring, with shades I never even knew existed in the natural world.
2. Watching football with Matt/Kellie on Sundays, laughing about how awful the Eagles are and drinking beers.
3. Cosmic Cantina burritos
4. Sneaking off to the student lounge with Katy so we can eat lunch and talk about people we don't like without anyone bothering us
5. Mall trips/week night TV shows with Jenn
6. 50 cent beers at The Deep End, giant He's Not Here beers, dancing at East End
7. Being 2.5 hours from the beach
Wow, that was really hard to think of things, which makes me kind of sad. The easier list is definitely things I WILL NOT miss about the Research Triangle:
1. Pretentious, elitist assholes at UNC
2. Pretentious, elitist assholes at almost every bar in Chapel Hill/Durham
3. A complete lack of single men
4. A complete lack of good Mexican food
5. Humidity and my hair's reaction to it
6. The traffic on Highway 54 every single freakin' day
7. Getting stuck next to people with B.O. on the bus
8. The "biblical" rain storms that make it impossible to drive
9. Sitting through boring seminars at school
That list took about 30 seconds. Yikes. Well, no matter what I will not miss about NC, this place definitely took me to a place I needed to be in my life. I've met some great people and have acquired some truly awesome memories. And I got a degree out of it...which I may not use, but at least I got some good skills, I guess.
21 days!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
From Russia, with love
Reflections on elections past:
1988-my mom let me in the voting booth with her so I could pull down the lever of the voting machine, helping to vote against Dukakis in Pennsylvania. Even then I had a thrill about politics, but it mainly resulted from hearing the noise the machine made when I pulled the lever.
1992-Oak Ridge Elementary held a mock election with all of us being able to vote for Bush, Clinton, or Perot. Guess who this young'un voted for? Ross freakin' Perot. I was already an Independent in 3rd grade, apparently. I also did not watch the news, apparently.
1996-Now in middle school, I remember staying up and watching the election returns, knowing Dole was facing a crushing defeat. Even then I was thrilled about calling states and the analysis, the awakenings of the political nerd I would later become.
2000-I hated Gore, but I didn't know much about Bush. I remember the agonizing wait on Florida, the pregnant and dimpled chads, the mentions of "strategery" and "lock boxes." If only I had known then what our country was headed for. It all felt so hopeless after Bush was finally declared the winner, and I remember thinking it was a sign of trouble to come.
2004-my first election I could vote in, and I could have CARED LESS. I didn't like Kerry OR Bush, but at least Kerry afforded me the opportunity to briefly touch John Cusack when he campaigned at NMSU.
2008-I was glued to the returns all night, screaming with excitement when they called the election (which you could tell they were dying to do after OH and PA went to Obama, but weren't allowed to), tears in my eyes watching the speech President-elect Obama made in front of tens of thousands in Chicago. I poured my heart and soul into this election, the first one I ever really cared about. I sat, enraptured, as Obama spoke at UNC during the primaries. I read every political website, every blogpost, and watched every news broadcast, and for the first time when they called that election, I actually felt so fucking proud to be in this country. After being ashamed for eight years, I was beaming with pride. We broke the color barrier. And we all broke it down together, uniting 62 MILLION strong to vote for Obama.
I think that this generation is largely responsible. My parents were raised by parents who were still harboring racism and resentment, but me and my fellow youth more often than not were raised by parents who preached tolerance and acceptance of everyone, regardless of color or religion. To me, I couldn't even comprehend why people wouldn't vote for someone because his skin was a different color. And finally, most of America realized how ridiculous that was too. We can finally say we are a post-racial nation. I'm so proud to be a part of that, and to have witnessed this great moment in history.
Of course, my only hope now is that Obama follows through and fixes things. We all knew that whoever won would face a shithole of a country. We all knew that this person was going to have to have the kind of leadership exhibited by Lincoln in the Civil War and Roosevelt in the Depression. I really think Obama is that kind of leader, and he is smart enough to surround himself with the people who can HELP him be that leader. So Godspeed, Barack.
One worry--Russia is the only country who gave us a giant middle finger when they would not congratulate Obama and instead, as Putin sat with a terrifyingly stony face in the audience, the president of Russia talked about how they pretty much still hate us for the whole Georgia thing. I really worry about Russia, more so than most countries. Could there be another Cold War? I always thought I was lucky to have been so young when the first one ended, I never knew the fear associated with nuclear arms proliferation. But will this, rather than Al-Queda, be our next big threat? I don't know, but I hope we have the right people in office now to deal with it.
1988-my mom let me in the voting booth with her so I could pull down the lever of the voting machine, helping to vote against Dukakis in Pennsylvania. Even then I had a thrill about politics, but it mainly resulted from hearing the noise the machine made when I pulled the lever.
1992-Oak Ridge Elementary held a mock election with all of us being able to vote for Bush, Clinton, or Perot. Guess who this young'un voted for? Ross freakin' Perot. I was already an Independent in 3rd grade, apparently. I also did not watch the news, apparently.
1996-Now in middle school, I remember staying up and watching the election returns, knowing Dole was facing a crushing defeat. Even then I was thrilled about calling states and the analysis, the awakenings of the political nerd I would later become.
2000-I hated Gore, but I didn't know much about Bush. I remember the agonizing wait on Florida, the pregnant and dimpled chads, the mentions of "strategery" and "lock boxes." If only I had known then what our country was headed for. It all felt so hopeless after Bush was finally declared the winner, and I remember thinking it was a sign of trouble to come.
2004-my first election I could vote in, and I could have CARED LESS. I didn't like Kerry OR Bush, but at least Kerry afforded me the opportunity to briefly touch John Cusack when he campaigned at NMSU.
2008-I was glued to the returns all night, screaming with excitement when they called the election (which you could tell they were dying to do after OH and PA went to Obama, but weren't allowed to), tears in my eyes watching the speech President-elect Obama made in front of tens of thousands in Chicago. I poured my heart and soul into this election, the first one I ever really cared about. I sat, enraptured, as Obama spoke at UNC during the primaries. I read every political website, every blogpost, and watched every news broadcast, and for the first time when they called that election, I actually felt so fucking proud to be in this country. After being ashamed for eight years, I was beaming with pride. We broke the color barrier. And we all broke it down together, uniting 62 MILLION strong to vote for Obama.
I think that this generation is largely responsible. My parents were raised by parents who were still harboring racism and resentment, but me and my fellow youth more often than not were raised by parents who preached tolerance and acceptance of everyone, regardless of color or religion. To me, I couldn't even comprehend why people wouldn't vote for someone because his skin was a different color. And finally, most of America realized how ridiculous that was too. We can finally say we are a post-racial nation. I'm so proud to be a part of that, and to have witnessed this great moment in history.
Of course, my only hope now is that Obama follows through and fixes things. We all knew that whoever won would face a shithole of a country. We all knew that this person was going to have to have the kind of leadership exhibited by Lincoln in the Civil War and Roosevelt in the Depression. I really think Obama is that kind of leader, and he is smart enough to surround himself with the people who can HELP him be that leader. So Godspeed, Barack.
One worry--Russia is the only country who gave us a giant middle finger when they would not congratulate Obama and instead, as Putin sat with a terrifyingly stony face in the audience, the president of Russia talked about how they pretty much still hate us for the whole Georgia thing. I really worry about Russia, more so than most countries. Could there be another Cold War? I always thought I was lucky to have been so young when the first one ended, I never knew the fear associated with nuclear arms proliferation. But will this, rather than Al-Queda, be our next big threat? I don't know, but I hope we have the right people in office now to deal with it.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Born in the USA
Today, it all comes down to this. Election Day. TWO YEARS in the making. And I think I've been stressing about it since the primaries started. I just can't believe by the end of the day (hopefully) it will all be over and either 53% of the country will be walking on air or 44% of the country will be thanking God for miracles.
It's obviously an historic election. Everyone knows that. We will have the oldest president or the first black president. We will have a crazy female VP or a VP who has been in Delaware for the past few decades and lived to tell about it. I'm just glad America finally seems to be getting out of the Dark Ages and may elect a non-Caucasian, non-Protestant male. It's not a female, but hey, one issue at a time.
I just hope people go out and vote; specifically, my age group. We are famous for getting hyped about a candidate and then being too lazy to vote on election day. Oh, the disaffected youth of America. We think our vote doesn't count and no one cares about us, but the reason they don't is because we don't vote. Everyone helps out senior citizens because THEY VOTE. My fellow 18-29 year olds need to get off their asses and go over to the polling place if they haven't already.
Whatever happens tonight, I just hope people had their voices heard. I hope we unite behind the winner and not let ourselves be divided by hate and violence. I hope we show everyone in the world who will be watching that we can come together for change and do the right thing, and vote for someone who will take our country in the right direction.
But more importantly, I sure as fucking hell don't want Sarah Palin anywhere near the White House or my uterus.
It's obviously an historic election. Everyone knows that. We will have the oldest president or the first black president. We will have a crazy female VP or a VP who has been in Delaware for the past few decades and lived to tell about it. I'm just glad America finally seems to be getting out of the Dark Ages and may elect a non-Caucasian, non-Protestant male. It's not a female, but hey, one issue at a time.
I just hope people go out and vote; specifically, my age group. We are famous for getting hyped about a candidate and then being too lazy to vote on election day. Oh, the disaffected youth of America. We think our vote doesn't count and no one cares about us, but the reason they don't is because we don't vote. Everyone helps out senior citizens because THEY VOTE. My fellow 18-29 year olds need to get off their asses and go over to the polling place if they haven't already.
Whatever happens tonight, I just hope people had their voices heard. I hope we unite behind the winner and not let ourselves be divided by hate and violence. I hope we show everyone in the world who will be watching that we can come together for change and do the right thing, and vote for someone who will take our country in the right direction.
But more importantly, I sure as fucking hell don't want Sarah Palin anywhere near the White House or my uterus.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Philadelphia Freedom: a rant
Philadelphia. The city of Brotherly Love. The city where freedom was born. The city where my parents grew up. The city I went to for field trips, and where I spent time with my grandmother. I love it there, and I love South Jersey and my beloved suburbs. And, by extension, I love Philadelphia sports teams. The Eagles, the Phils, the 76ers, the Flyers. I have watched those teams my whole life. My entire extended family has watched those teams for THEIR entire lives. In the Philadelphia area, loving those teams is a culture, a way of life. You don't know what it's like to even consider rooting for someone else if Philly is in the game. And more importantly, you know the misery of watching those teams. You've seen them fail season after season, even after coming gut-wrenchingly close to winning it all. 1993, 2005, 1997, 1987, 2001. All losses at different levels. You become so used to losing it all even when you're close that an immense dread comes over you when they start doing well, simply because you know they will mess it up. It's just how it worked there. In my generation you heard the tales of past teams, the 70's and early 80's becoming this mythical era our parents knew but we didn't, and couldn't even fathom after so many failures.
And yet, with all of this heart and love we have for our teams, we are hated by the rest of the sports community. I've never understood that my passion could be abhorred by others, when I thought we all had a right to support a team. As soon as you hear "Philly sports" you hear about boo-birds and assholes, how we are terrible, rowdy people who make sports ugly. People scoff when we mention the Philly curse, saying the Boston curse or the Chicago curse is real, and ours is apparently manufactured by a bitter old city. Well, wake up Boston, you have the Celtics and the Patriots. And Chicago, I happen to remember the Bulls doing pretty well for awhile. I had never even tasted glory until last night.
To me, cities like NY and Boston look at their fellow colonial compadre with scorn. We are the drunk uncle they like to pretend they aren't related to because we are loud and booed Santa in the 60's. Or we are their kid brother, who is pressing his face to the glass doors of their championship party. They ridicule us and laugh when we say we have our own curse. Well, Boston, Philly was actually happy for you when you won the World Series after 88 years. Why can't you be happy for us? And New York, the Yankees have all the money in the world and too many titles. Give the little brother a chance to prove himself. We are passionate, and we love sports even when we boo our players. It's called tough love.
And we deserve our World Series title. We hungered for our chance in the spotlight again after watching so many other cities celebrate what should have been ours. For a city that loves its teams, this is vindication. A gift from our teams to us for our undying support. So all of these other cities who hate us can shut the hell up. That was one of the greatest nights of my entire life, watching them win. So leave us alone, let us hog the spotlight and act like total idiots. According to all of you who hate us, it is what we are good at.
GO PHILLIES!!!!!!! I love you Philadelphia!
And yet, with all of this heart and love we have for our teams, we are hated by the rest of the sports community. I've never understood that my passion could be abhorred by others, when I thought we all had a right to support a team. As soon as you hear "Philly sports" you hear about boo-birds and assholes, how we are terrible, rowdy people who make sports ugly. People scoff when we mention the Philly curse, saying the Boston curse or the Chicago curse is real, and ours is apparently manufactured by a bitter old city. Well, wake up Boston, you have the Celtics and the Patriots. And Chicago, I happen to remember the Bulls doing pretty well for awhile. I had never even tasted glory until last night.
To me, cities like NY and Boston look at their fellow colonial compadre with scorn. We are the drunk uncle they like to pretend they aren't related to because we are loud and booed Santa in the 60's. Or we are their kid brother, who is pressing his face to the glass doors of their championship party. They ridicule us and laugh when we say we have our own curse. Well, Boston, Philly was actually happy for you when you won the World Series after 88 years. Why can't you be happy for us? And New York, the Yankees have all the money in the world and too many titles. Give the little brother a chance to prove himself. We are passionate, and we love sports even when we boo our players. It's called tough love.
And we deserve our World Series title. We hungered for our chance in the spotlight again after watching so many other cities celebrate what should have been ours. For a city that loves its teams, this is vindication. A gift from our teams to us for our undying support. So all of these other cities who hate us can shut the hell up. That was one of the greatest nights of my entire life, watching them win. So leave us alone, let us hog the spotlight and act like total idiots. According to all of you who hate us, it is what we are good at.
GO PHILLIES!!!!!!! I love you Philadelphia!
Monday, September 15, 2008
If I could go back in time, I would give the wide world just to change your mind, to open up your eyes...
Things have changed pretty dramatically since Wednesday, which is when I found out that I will not continue living in my little academic bubble until May, but rather, I will be tossed out in December. This is obviously good news in many respects, since I don't have to do any labwork to finish, and that was my ultimate fantasy in terms of my vision of how I would finish out my degree. My committee just wants me to write something up about the background of my project and where it needs to go from here; basically, a primer for whoever takes over after me. Totally doable...and apparently, totally doable by December. So I went through a range of emotions in the 2 hours after this meeting took place, and eventually settled on the idea of subletting my room and moving out to Denver early. It just seems like the best plan, even if it means living with my mom and Pam for a few months, not having my own room or really any of the privacy I'm used to. Luckily it will only be for a few months until their lease is up and Pam and I can get our own place. That way, I won't have the stress of having to pay rent somewhere when I don't even have a job.
So it's terrifying...moving in January, living in a new place, looking for a job. I don't even know how to look for one. I don't even know what I want to do. Obviously I'm still interested in teaching, but I'm not going to limit myself to that, I really don't want to commit to any one career path when I'm not even sure what I will like. So yeah. It will be a huge change, and I think the momentum with which all of this has occurred is a little intense. I mean, four months ago I was in a completely different place, and now I'm graduating in December and I'll be DONE with school. Sometimes, I can't believe I made such a bold choice. I never thought I had it in me. But thinking about it now, it all makes perfect sense.
My dad has invited Pam and I for Thanksgiving, or even a November visit. My heart stopped a little at the possibility of being in Albuquerque and being able to see Biochem Guy. At this point, I don't really know why. I mean, how can you be like that over someone you've never even kissed? I wonder if deep down, I just need to see him so I can realize that it's over, and we are no longer the friends we once were. I've had him on this pedestal for 2.5 years now, comparing other guys to him and thinking "if it had JUST worked OUT...." but neither of us are the same now, and maybe I need to see him so that will get drilled into my head. There are different kinds of guys in your life...the ones you will always have a physical connection with, but who you can't be friends or more with (and we all know who THAT is for me), and the ones you will always have a mental connection with, but you know it will never be physical. I haven't gotten that through my thick head when it comes to Biochem Guy, and I really need to. So we'll see if a trip to the big NM works out, but I really hope it does.
Okay, if I want to get out of here in a few months, I better get my ass back to writing!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
It's the sticks and stones that wear us down that often save our lives...
I am well into September now, and things have been getting a little more stressful. I have a committee meeting tomorrow, which will basically determine what I have to do in order to finish a Masters degree to the satisfaction of the department. I'm pretty nervous about it, and whatever option we negotiate that results in me doing the least amount of lab work is going to be the one I root for. There is a rumor that based on the project my boss and I have figured out, I could be done with bench science as early as December...which quite frankly, couldn't make me happier. I can't wait to be done with the tedious monotony that is bench science in grad school. Once I know what my timeline for finishing is, at least I can move on and start really focusing on my career options.
Along those lines, I started volunteering at the high school last week. I really liked it, and it has made me really sit down and research the teaching option in Denver. It seems doable, and having my Masters degree will really help my salary schedule. The only barrier is that the qualifications for alternative licensing programs are geared toward basic science, and I have been very specialized in my studies. They actually expect someone who wants to be a Biology teacher to have taken Geology or Meteorology in college? I mean, really. I'm hoping my Ecology credits will somehow count toward this "earth/environmental science" requirement, or else I'll be taking online courses next semester. Ugh. Then I have to study for the PRAXIS exam, which is a subject test all teachers have to take in their area, so I am already looking at study guides, etc. My worst case scenario is that I won't be able to find any jobs I'm into, teaching or something related, and then I'll try to get a job as a lab tech or something until I can get something I really want. I DO NOT want that though, so keep your fingers crossed that I can slip into one of these alternative licensure programs in Colorado.
My mom and Pam have been here in the past month, which has been great. Seeing them has made me remember why I am moving to Denver in the first place. I just can't wait to start over. As much as I am thrilled to be almost done with school and ready to move, I am also terrified. I've been in this bubble of school since I was three, and now I'm being pushed out into the real world, with no guaranteed job or benefits. Measly salary aside, this world has pampered me...I mean, I don't even know how to write a resume. So it's scary to the point of panic attacks, but I am trying to deal. I have a lot of time to prepare, I guess.
I'll save my next entry for my commentary on this election...I feel as though that merits its own entry at this point. But I just wanted to update my life, or the semblance of my old life that things have become. Now back to freaking out about tomorrow...this has been a pleasant distraction.
Along those lines, I started volunteering at the high school last week. I really liked it, and it has made me really sit down and research the teaching option in Denver. It seems doable, and having my Masters degree will really help my salary schedule. The only barrier is that the qualifications for alternative licensing programs are geared toward basic science, and I have been very specialized in my studies. They actually expect someone who wants to be a Biology teacher to have taken Geology or Meteorology in college? I mean, really. I'm hoping my Ecology credits will somehow count toward this "earth/environmental science" requirement, or else I'll be taking online courses next semester. Ugh. Then I have to study for the PRAXIS exam, which is a subject test all teachers have to take in their area, so I am already looking at study guides, etc. My worst case scenario is that I won't be able to find any jobs I'm into, teaching or something related, and then I'll try to get a job as a lab tech or something until I can get something I really want. I DO NOT want that though, so keep your fingers crossed that I can slip into one of these alternative licensure programs in Colorado.
My mom and Pam have been here in the past month, which has been great. Seeing them has made me remember why I am moving to Denver in the first place. I just can't wait to start over. As much as I am thrilled to be almost done with school and ready to move, I am also terrified. I've been in this bubble of school since I was three, and now I'm being pushed out into the real world, with no guaranteed job or benefits. Measly salary aside, this world has pampered me...I mean, I don't even know how to write a resume. So it's scary to the point of panic attacks, but I am trying to deal. I have a lot of time to prepare, I guess.
I'll save my next entry for my commentary on this election...I feel as though that merits its own entry at this point. But I just wanted to update my life, or the semblance of my old life that things have become. Now back to freaking out about tomorrow...this has been a pleasant distraction.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Sudden Death in Carolina
It's quite sad how in my life, a Facebook message from a former crush (well, I think "crush" is a bad word to describe this person, but it's the only thing I can really think of) can leave me smiling for an entire day. In this case, I think it was more about the fact that I was proven, once again, that he is probably the only male in my life who hasn't turned out to be a flaky asshole. This, of course, does nothing to alleviate the dormant feelings that come screaming back every time I hear from him, because he is always still the same guy who made me happier than any guy ever has in my whole life to this point. Still down-to-earth, still funny, still sweet and complimentary without even trying. :( As much as I love hearing from him because I miss him as my friend, it kills me every time to know that I never got to have him as my boyfriend...in that admittedly lame, hand-holding, old-fashioned kind of way. I think I will probably always feel that way about him, my classic "What If?" person. Also, because I used to tell Natalie for years that I was going to meet the man of my dreams over a Bunson Burner, and I met him in an Organic Chem lab, so it makes me wonder even more if he could have been that great man in my life. But all of these statements are just maudlin musings put out there by a single, somewhat lonely 24-year old girl who hasn't really had anyone make her happy since he came along. For all I know, I could see him again and it would be horribly awkward and I would wonder why I ever felt so strongly about him.
I wonder if everyone has that person that they just don't ever really move on from. Even if you don't think about them all of the time, and they don't necessarily prevent you from dating other people, you know that if they were to walk into your house and tell you they wanted to be with you, you would drop everything and tell them "ABSOLUTELY." I just need to find another guy who will call me "exceptionally brilliant" and be able to pick up on every single movie/TV reference I drop in casual conversation, and then maybe I'll get over it. Anyone know a guy like that?
This is why I need a fresh start somewhere else. Letting go of a lot of things I have held onto for the past few years is going to be really important.
Well, time to get back to my awesome Saturday night of sitting around in my pajamas, nursing my extremely sore quads (which have a mysterious origin) and trying to motivate myself to watch "Hotel Rwanda" so I can move along my Netflix queue.
I wonder if everyone has that person that they just don't ever really move on from. Even if you don't think about them all of the time, and they don't necessarily prevent you from dating other people, you know that if they were to walk into your house and tell you they wanted to be with you, you would drop everything and tell them "ABSOLUTELY." I just need to find another guy who will call me "exceptionally brilliant" and be able to pick up on every single movie/TV reference I drop in casual conversation, and then maybe I'll get over it. Anyone know a guy like that?
This is why I need a fresh start somewhere else. Letting go of a lot of things I have held onto for the past few years is going to be really important.
Well, time to get back to my awesome Saturday night of sitting around in my pajamas, nursing my extremely sore quads (which have a mysterious origin) and trying to motivate myself to watch "Hotel Rwanda" so I can move along my Netflix queue.
Monday, August 11, 2008
She seeks to find the answers for the reason her life did not turn out more like a movie...
It is already almost the middle of August, and I feel like it was only a few weeks ago that I was thrilled about the beginning of summer. I am lamenting its lazy exit, because I know that with fall comes earlier sunsets, sweaters, and ridiculous amounts of lab work to get my thesis done by spring. I never feel like I have "real" deadlines during the summer, and that my only job is to listen to Fresh Prince's "Summertime" in my car at least 100 times a week. Plus, it is also sad because this is my last summer in Chapel Hill. As of early June next year I'll be headed back out west to Colorado, so I feel an extra level of sadness to see the summer drawing to a close. I mean, I won't be able to go to the beach as easily, I won't be getting excited at the thought of all of the undergrads being gone from Franklin Street, and (happily) I won't be bitching about the intolerable humidity. But I know I am making a good choice. As much as I hate to admit it, I belong out west for awhile. I think I tried to draw back out my acerbic East Coast side, but I'm still the girl who two-stepped at the country bars sometimes on a Friday night. Maybe someday I'll end up back out this way, but who knows. I am way too restless in my youth to settle in one place for very long.
Things have been pretty busy lately; my mom was here last week, which was nice. I needed some family around me for awhile. I've also been pushing myself to get a lot done in work too, but finishing up seems like years away at this point...and isn't that what I was trying to avoid? I'm also supposed to volunteer in the classroom of a high school bio teacher to see how I feel about teaching. I've been told I'm the sort of rare breed who could deal with teenagers...and I kind of like the idea of molding young minds and making them love science as much as I do. Plus, teaching would be a good way to get experience in other things during the summer. We'll see. I don't think I have ever been so lost in my life, and I actually like it. I always wanted to have that freedom to have NO idea what my next job would be, and it's so liberating to finally experience it. I probably won't be saying the same thing in 7 months, but whatever. I'll enjoy it now.
After having been on vacation last week, I am thinking of the beach and staring with dead eyes at my computer, thinking about how I SHOULD be reading papers for my thesis. I can't summon the energy to function normally, however. We all need a day to get back on track, right?
Things have been pretty busy lately; my mom was here last week, which was nice. I needed some family around me for awhile. I've also been pushing myself to get a lot done in work too, but finishing up seems like years away at this point...and isn't that what I was trying to avoid? I'm also supposed to volunteer in the classroom of a high school bio teacher to see how I feel about teaching. I've been told I'm the sort of rare breed who could deal with teenagers...and I kind of like the idea of molding young minds and making them love science as much as I do. Plus, teaching would be a good way to get experience in other things during the summer. We'll see. I don't think I have ever been so lost in my life, and I actually like it. I always wanted to have that freedom to have NO idea what my next job would be, and it's so liberating to finally experience it. I probably won't be saying the same thing in 7 months, but whatever. I'll enjoy it now.
After having been on vacation last week, I am thinking of the beach and staring with dead eyes at my computer, thinking about how I SHOULD be reading papers for my thesis. I can't summon the energy to function normally, however. We all need a day to get back on track, right?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Talkin' 'bout my generation
I saw a report on CNN this morning that some huge percentage of people in "Generation Y," which apparently is comprised of 18-29 year olds, no longer believe in the "American Dream" as something that they will achieve. Now, I believe this phrase has many different meanings depending on the person, but according to the criteria posed by the organization who did the survey, this means working hard, earning money, having financial security as a retired individual in the form of Social Security, living out your golden years traveling around the country in an RV or lounging on a porch with grandkids. Basically, if you work hard, everything will follow the exquisitely perfect path that your grandparents have taken and you will drift toward non-existence blissfully and without stress.
What is my response to this, as a member right smack in the middle of the Generation Y age group? NO SHIT, CNN. Of course we don't believe in the American Dream. We have grown up in a world that is tragically different from that of generations before. My whole life I have been told that I will never be able to retire because Social Security will run out by the time my parents are done with it. As I look for jobs I fear that even though I am working hard, my position will be outsourced to India or China because the labor is so much cheaper. I worry that even if I make a lot of money, half of my salary will go to paying off student loans or credit card debt. Although people have been immigrating to the United States for hundreds of years, the numbers have soared in recent history, meaning I have to compete for the fulfillment of this illusive "American Dream" with people who are so hungry for it that they have risked life and limb to get to this country in search of it...which means they are far more motivated than I am.
Generation Y has been taught that life is tough, and it's certainly not fair. We are not a generation who was raised in a world of social upheaval like our parents; we came into this world at the end of the Cold War, something that came in like a lion and went out like a lamb with David Hasselhoff standing on the crumbling Berlin Wall. We have been raised in a time of fear, where we watched people dying instantly on 9-11 or bodies being transported home from Iraq. We have grown up in a culture more and more obsessed with those who make millions for doing very little, making us wonder why the hell we are working our asses off and making barely enough to get by with absolutely no recognition for it.
We are a jaded generation, and the idea of the American Dream seems archaic and almost quaint in this day and age; something our grandparents and parents may have achieved in those halcyon days of the 50's and the tumultuous 60's. I have only ever hoped that I could make enough to live comfortably, and the idea of retirement has never even crossed my mind.
So you might want to think about the stupidity of this poll, CNN. We are not lazy, and we definitely aren't stupid; we just know better than to believe in those kinds of things actually happening to people.
What is my response to this, as a member right smack in the middle of the Generation Y age group? NO SHIT, CNN. Of course we don't believe in the American Dream. We have grown up in a world that is tragically different from that of generations before. My whole life I have been told that I will never be able to retire because Social Security will run out by the time my parents are done with it. As I look for jobs I fear that even though I am working hard, my position will be outsourced to India or China because the labor is so much cheaper. I worry that even if I make a lot of money, half of my salary will go to paying off student loans or credit card debt. Although people have been immigrating to the United States for hundreds of years, the numbers have soared in recent history, meaning I have to compete for the fulfillment of this illusive "American Dream" with people who are so hungry for it that they have risked life and limb to get to this country in search of it...which means they are far more motivated than I am.
Generation Y has been taught that life is tough, and it's certainly not fair. We are not a generation who was raised in a world of social upheaval like our parents; we came into this world at the end of the Cold War, something that came in like a lion and went out like a lamb with David Hasselhoff standing on the crumbling Berlin Wall. We have been raised in a time of fear, where we watched people dying instantly on 9-11 or bodies being transported home from Iraq. We have grown up in a culture more and more obsessed with those who make millions for doing very little, making us wonder why the hell we are working our asses off and making barely enough to get by with absolutely no recognition for it.
We are a jaded generation, and the idea of the American Dream seems archaic and almost quaint in this day and age; something our grandparents and parents may have achieved in those halcyon days of the 50's and the tumultuous 60's. I have only ever hoped that I could make enough to live comfortably, and the idea of retirement has never even crossed my mind.
So you might want to think about the stupidity of this poll, CNN. We are not lazy, and we definitely aren't stupid; we just know better than to believe in those kinds of things actually happening to people.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
You want to know who I really am? So do I.
Things have had a chance to sink in more since I made my decision to leave school next year, and I am still completely at ease with the situation, which is good. I haven't had any moments of breaking into a cold sweat, terrified and wondering if I should change my mind back and stay in the program. So I guess that tells me something.
Summer has gotten a lot brighter though since I made that choice, which is awesome. I also think things have gotten a lot brighter in my life because my living situation is so much better than it was before. Also, my friends are better in my new place. I mean, when I lived on Elmdale Drive, which was originally touted as being "Chapel Thrillhouse" back when Kellie, Natalie and I were still naively optimistic about friendships, I was always in my room, always by myself, never really doing anything. We pretty much stopped hanging out as a threesome at night, and never even watched TV together in the common area. Everyone went into their rooms by around 8 and stayed there unless they wanted to watch something that had been DVR'ed or they needed something from the kitchen. I was miserable and isolated in my shoebox of a room. Now that I am in my new place, I have been so much happier. We hang out in the living room all the time, I am always doing stuff on the weekends (to the point where I almost miss my laziness), and I don't feel stuck in a dank bedroom, since mine is filled with light and space now. It's a complete shift in my outlook and attitude, something I didn't even realize had sunk to a depressing low. I'm glad to have such positive, awesome roommates now.
Also, I am realizing that a lot of my friends from UNC are elitist assholes. But that's another story. Haha.
Summer has gotten a lot brighter though since I made that choice, which is awesome. I also think things have gotten a lot brighter in my life because my living situation is so much better than it was before. Also, my friends are better in my new place. I mean, when I lived on Elmdale Drive, which was originally touted as being "Chapel Thrillhouse" back when Kellie, Natalie and I were still naively optimistic about friendships, I was always in my room, always by myself, never really doing anything. We pretty much stopped hanging out as a threesome at night, and never even watched TV together in the common area. Everyone went into their rooms by around 8 and stayed there unless they wanted to watch something that had been DVR'ed or they needed something from the kitchen. I was miserable and isolated in my shoebox of a room. Now that I am in my new place, I have been so much happier. We hang out in the living room all the time, I am always doing stuff on the weekends (to the point where I almost miss my laziness), and I don't feel stuck in a dank bedroom, since mine is filled with light and space now. It's a complete shift in my outlook and attitude, something I didn't even realize had sunk to a depressing low. I'm glad to have such positive, awesome roommates now.
Also, I am realizing that a lot of my friends from UNC are elitist assholes. But that's another story. Haha.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Learning to fly
Big changes have come about in my life within the past few days, and I'm still kind of trying to process everything. My decision to say "F you, PhD program" was kind of shocking to some people, but to me it has seemed like one of the most logical, clear-headed decisions I have ever made. It's also one of the scariest ones. I guess it was just hard to admit how desperately unhappy I have been for the past two years; I had always said that getting my doctorate was exactly what I wanted and so I felt like complaining and being unhappy was just a personality flaw and not a sign of a bigger, uglier problem. As much as I love Chapel Hill for its small-town feel and gorgeous seasons, I don't fit in here. I'm an unlikely combo of the Southwest and the Northeast, and the true South with its mint juleps, high-maintenance women and "future MBAs of America" pool of men is just not my scene, and I couldn't fit my square self into that round peg hole no matter how hard I tried. Plus, sitting behind a microscope quantifying cell diameters is not the way I want to spend my life, which is the most important part of this equation.
I think a Masters degree is what I need. And maybe I'll go back later and get another degree in something different, and that's exciting to think about. I'm not as trapped as I thought I was. I haven't felt so liberated in a long time. I know that as much as I don't fit in in CH I was supposed to come here for a reason; I have learned more about myself here in the past two years than I had in the 22 years prior, and I think if I hadn't discovered who I really am, I never would have figured out that this program isn't for me. So I am happy with the way things turned out. I am also happy that I have decided to roost in Denver for a few years, being around my family for awhile is essential.
I am also excited that I get to start over and decide what I really want to do. It's like being eight-years old all over again, trying to decide on what I want to be when I grow up.
Anyway, aside from all of that heavy stuff, things have been pretty busy for me. Trying to tame my hair in this 800% humidity is a job of its own as well. I am certainly not going to miss this dampness. Everyday my skin feels like it is coated in a film of moisture that never goes away. Oh, and I love the little short hairs that stick up out of my yellow puffball of hair every single day. That's pretty awesome too.
Kickball party tonight...keep your fingers crossed for me. In fact, keep every digit crossed for me. It's time to turn on the "seduction" mode, which is a little rusty since that setting hasn't been used in a long time. If I can't control my hair though, it definitely won't be used tonight!
I think a Masters degree is what I need. And maybe I'll go back later and get another degree in something different, and that's exciting to think about. I'm not as trapped as I thought I was. I haven't felt so liberated in a long time. I know that as much as I don't fit in in CH I was supposed to come here for a reason; I have learned more about myself here in the past two years than I had in the 22 years prior, and I think if I hadn't discovered who I really am, I never would have figured out that this program isn't for me. So I am happy with the way things turned out. I am also happy that I have decided to roost in Denver for a few years, being around my family for awhile is essential.
I am also excited that I get to start over and decide what I really want to do. It's like being eight-years old all over again, trying to decide on what I want to be when I grow up.
Anyway, aside from all of that heavy stuff, things have been pretty busy for me. Trying to tame my hair in this 800% humidity is a job of its own as well. I am certainly not going to miss this dampness. Everyday my skin feels like it is coated in a film of moisture that never goes away. Oh, and I love the little short hairs that stick up out of my yellow puffball of hair every single day. That's pretty awesome too.
Kickball party tonight...keep your fingers crossed for me. In fact, keep every digit crossed for me. It's time to turn on the "seduction" mode, which is a little rusty since that setting hasn't been used in a long time. If I can't control my hair though, it definitely won't be used tonight!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
OMG MY FIRST BLOG!!!!!!!!!
This is my first foray into the world of blogging, post-Livejournal. I felt like I was getting a little too old for that site anyway; somehow, the same outlet I used at age 20 to express myself seems a little juvenile for a 24-year old. I mean, I no longer discuss cramming into booths at Village Inn with my friends, too young to go to the bar; nor do I endlessly speculate on which classes to take next semester. So I think moving on and saving those blogs for my archives is more appropriate.
Summer is in full swing here in CH...or should I say Durham? I feel like a split personality ever since I moved to the suburban/urban mixture that is Durham. I think my heart and my education are still in Chapel Hill, as much as I love my new place. But I am learning to appreciate Durham night life and the convenience of having so many stores nearby. Anyway, after everything I have been slogging through since the start of May (qualifying exams, research talks) it feels like I haven't even celebrated the relaxed vibe of summer, and now it is already July. Even though I have been jamming out to Fresh Prince's "Summertime" in my car since May, the whole effort to enjoy the summer has been half-hearted. So now I am going to throw myself into it and spend a lot of time on the hammock sipping margaritas and trying to go to the beach.
I'm going to start after July 4th though. I'll probably still work that day. :)
Well, time to get back to making love to science. Our relationship has been a bit strained lately, so I'm trying to ease us back into the swing of things. It would be nice to get something out of the summer besides a lot of "blue balls" (in the female sense) over failed experiments.
Summer is in full swing here in CH...or should I say Durham? I feel like a split personality ever since I moved to the suburban/urban mixture that is Durham. I think my heart and my education are still in Chapel Hill, as much as I love my new place. But I am learning to appreciate Durham night life and the convenience of having so many stores nearby. Anyway, after everything I have been slogging through since the start of May (qualifying exams, research talks) it feels like I haven't even celebrated the relaxed vibe of summer, and now it is already July. Even though I have been jamming out to Fresh Prince's "Summertime" in my car since May, the whole effort to enjoy the summer has been half-hearted. So now I am going to throw myself into it and spend a lot of time on the hammock sipping margaritas and trying to go to the beach.
I'm going to start after July 4th though. I'll probably still work that day. :)
Well, time to get back to making love to science. Our relationship has been a bit strained lately, so I'm trying to ease us back into the swing of things. It would be nice to get something out of the summer besides a lot of "blue balls" (in the female sense) over failed experiments.
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